Where to start?
'Taking the piss' out of someone is different from 'taking a piss' on someone. A person who is 'piss-proud' is someone who thinks too highly of themselves, and to 'take the piss' out of them was to deflate them with mockery. The original phrase 'piss-proud' refers to an erection caused by a full bladder rather than sexual arousal (common in small boys, but also happens to grown men) and therefore not a sign of potency. Take the piss has now acquired a more general application.
'Sod' is an insult, a shortening of 'sodomite'. 'Bird' to refer to a woman, especially a young, pretty one ('dolly bird'), went out in the 1970s.
'The missus' is a generic way of referring to one's wife or girlfriend/partner and is not especially insulting. 'Ball-and-chain', along with 'She Who Must Be Obeyed' (SWMBO if texting/writing) is typical dour British humour used by the kind of men whose wives refer to them as 'the dishwasher', 'the chauffeur' and 'the couch-potato'.
A biscuit and a cookie are two different things. A biscuit - from the French for 'twice-baked' - was originally the double-baked hardtack bread used as rations in the Royal Navy because of its' longevity. Sweet biscuits, though known for centuries, only became readily available to ordinary people in the late 19th Century. The most popular kinds in the UK are chocolate digestive, rich tea and hob-nobs, followed by Bourbon and Custard Creams. Unsweetened biscuits are known as 'crackers;' and usually eaten with cheese. A cookie is larger and thicker than a biscuit, with a softer crumbly or doughy texture rather than a hard crunchy one. They are marketed in the UK alongside biscuits, but as a different product and are usually more expensive. They tend to be served more at parties or formal teas than with a mid-morning cuppa. So we don't say 'tough cookie' over here because compared to the jaw-breaking hardness of a Ginger Nut, there's no such thing!
The 'biscuits' that get served at breakfast in the US are what we call 'scones' and are a vital component of the Cream Tea!
The full expression is "Bob's your uncle and Fanny's your aunt!" I guess you can figure that one out for yourself.
Just FYI, 'faggots' are large meatballs made from minced pork and onion and served in a rich gravy with mushy peas. We're not the only ones to misuse words!
Also, it's a cricket pitch. Croquet is played on a lawn.
