My (step)daughter's biological father has been absent from her life for the better part of thirty-six years. Upon the rare occasions the subject comes up, she refers to him as 'the sperm donor', I'm 'Dad', as I have always been.

Now her own children split their time between her and their father. But each month it becomes clearer that my oldest granddaughter, who is autistic, is becoming less and less willing to spend the required days with him. He does not listen to her, he doesn't give her the routine she needs, accomodate her little quirks. He seems to think that if he treats her as a 'normal' child, her autism will magically disappear. Meanwhile, the younger, a Type 1 diabetic, is anxious, at the age of nine, to learn everything she can about managing her condition herself because "Dad hasn't got a fucking clue!" (cue reprimand from her mother for language which gets the reply "I used the word appropriately, in context!" at which point I get accused of teaching her to talk like that).

There will come a time, sooner than one would wish, of course, when both girls will flatly refuse to spend time with their father. Then he will blame my daughter, and there will be meetings and probably court appearances and all kinds of stress and trouble.

This, along with various other experiences, has made me wonder if, when families with kids do split up, the best solution is for the departing parent to simply disappear? It's rare for such situations not to cause conflict and upset.