Dear Mr of Nazareth,

You didn't have to come here, you know! There are other hotels. If you couldn't be arsed to make a reservation, what do you expect? You could have filled in your census form at home and sent it by carrier pigeon, but I suppose that was a bit beyond your abilities. Same with planned parenthood. Galilean riffraff! As to your 'visitors;, it was my wife who sent them on. I was having a word with my Iberian waiter, Manuel, and he knows nothing.

I am sitting in my privy; Your complaint is in front of me. It will shortly be behind me.

Yours in utter contempt,

Basil Fawlty (Manager)