AMPAS is merely a Grendel, the monstrous child of a monstrous mother - Hollywood. Even monsters protect their favoured children, and the favoured children of Hollywood have always been white. We all know this and yet some still pretend to be surprised by it.

Rock has refused to press charges, Smith has been apologising all over the shop ever since. Inclines me to believe they are aware that they were both in the wrong. Meanwhile the storm has slopped over the edges of the teacup and drenched the whole damn table!

Over on this side of the pond, Russian soldiers are murdering Ukrainian civilians and people are having to decide whether to heat their homes or feed their kids. People are worried and angry. In America, all they can go on about is a silly squabble between two overgrown kids at a posh party! In the words of Mr Scrooge: "I'll retire to Bedlam!"

In the matter of Orlando Bloom, in what version of reality could punching Justin Bieber ever be unjustified?